(Happy) Mother’s Day
On the complex and contradictory feelings that come with a day of celebration
This feels like a bit of a moan fest, so apologies in advance. I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling this way, which always gives me the motivation to write and share. So rather than an anticipatory ‘this is how I cope with Mother’s Day’ newsletter, this is a debrief. Or maybe a ‘slump and dump’ is more apt. Inspired by my evening listening to live poetry last night, I have also recorded a VoiceOver for the first time. So if you would rather listen to me speak, then you now have the option to do so!
For the first time this year, I missed my Sunday newsletter. On Mother’s Day. Which feels like a major failure for someone who writes about motherhood and the complexities that many of us face on the road to this.
I’ll admit that I am a very last-minute writer anyway. I haven’t quite found my way with finding space in my working week to write, so it tends to get pushed into the darkness of after bedtime or pockets of time between weekend activities. In some ways I like this. It feels less like work and more of a secret diary entry sharing exercise.
But this week, I just couldn’t do it.
Here is how my Saturday played out:
I’ll just do this (insert chore here) first.
I’ll do it after bedtime.
I’m too tired tonight, so I’ll wake early tomorrow.
I’ll find some time later.
And so, the day rolled on by in a sea of excuses. I knew I was lying to myself. I just avoided confronting why.
I felt irritable. Frustrated with myself. I felt that I should be putting out some soothing and compassionate words ahead of Mother’s Day. Something coherent and thoughtful. Something that I figured people needed.
And yet nothing came.
My relationship with Mother’s Day is complex. Anyone who has experienced loss, infertility, relationship breakdowns, estrangement from their own mum or strained relationships will relate to the tension that rises within as the day rolls closer. In previous years I have enjoyed feeling part of a wave of change with how we view Mother’s Day. Supporting companies who send opt out emails. Supporting charities who show solidarity with anyone whose experience of motherhood is not as expected. But this year felt different somehow.
And I can’t quite put my finger on why.
I wonder if it is receiving the same message on repeat. That I am somehow desensitised to it:
Opt out here.
Pretend it isn’t happening by clicking here.
We won’t talk to you about it anymore if you reply ‘no thanks’ to this message.
Your motherhood is seen here (in this safe space), but not there (in the wider world)
“Trigger warning!”
Now I’m wondering if they are just all versions of the same thing. ‘We know this day isn’t for you, but we’ll keep having this party over here, just please don’t look’. ‘We’re not really interested in knowing how to understand or reduce your suffering, we’d just rather you kept away’.
Maybe I feel the need for something a bit more radical. Something different. Something better than ‘it’s okay that you don’t feel okay’. I’m just not entirely sure what.
Probably for the same reasons, I also felt very disengaged from International Women’s Day this year too. I wonder if it is the current state of the world and a sense that things are potentially worse now than they have ever been for women across the world. The conditions that people are living in in Gaza. The unfathomable death toll. The intolerable number of bereaved Mothers. The people whose loved ones are held hostage. The foodbanks that cannot cope with demand. The companies that continue to exploit women in the workplace.
It feels uncomfortable to celebrate motherhood and womanhood when so many women and mothers are suffering so deeply right now.
Maybe some of you have been feeling this too. Or maybe it is just me. But I felt ungrateful for feeling so shitty yesterday given how lucky I am. I have a beautiful daughter who was so excited to give me her homemade card and thoughtful gift. I have warmth, safety, food and water. I am so privileged in so many ways.
And yet I know it isn’t either, or. It is both, and.
In the evening, I went out to watch Holly McNish perform. As she says herself, her poetry is born from the things that she both loves and hates about the world. The good and the bad. I felt tingles roll down my body as she brought her words to life. And I laughed. Really laughed. And I felt energised by her talking about the things that we are supposed to enjoy and yet maybe don’t. At least not always.
And I felt seen and validated.
So here is my Mother’s Day newsletter. A day late. Without sage and comforting words on how to get through a day that can be tricky to navigate. Instead with a reality check that sometimes you will feel a bit shit.
But this too shall pass.
Michelle x
I also felt very disconnected from both this year - international women's day, and mother's day. Appreciate you giving voice to this and not trying to package it up neatly into sage advice. Sometimes it's just messy and complex ❤