This resonates so much as a parent of one child who faced a lot of loss and infertility due to two ectopic pregnancies in our quest for a second child. IVF was the only option, but after all we had been through and as time passed we thought… do we want another child enough at the expense of what could be more terrible trauma, loss, money, and heartbreak and also to miss the years with the child we did have in front of us whilst trying (and possibly not ending up with) another? We felt it in our hearts that our journey with trying for another was over and we were better off embracing what we do have. What made it harder for me was the total lack of representation on social media of happily having one child and how much joy it can bring. One and Done Parenting is a great account to follow to feel less alone. Thanks for this post Michelle ❤️
Nina, thank you so much for sharing - this resonates deeply with me too. Shifting focus from what we want to what we do have is so much harder than it seems though, isn't it? I also follow One and Done and totally agree - seeing representations of the joy of smaller families is essential. To see yourself reflected and to see other people a little further along in their journey is priceless ❤️
Thank you so much for writing for us Michelle. I think this value of enoughness is so hard to tie down but has such an impact. I know it has influenced so much of how I have acted and what I have done in the years spent trying to grow my family. I guess what it makes me wonder, and what you touch on, is how when living in this state of striving has been there for so long, how you change that narrative. That perhaps I don’t have, or have forgotten, another way to be. I also have this sense of this other side of me, perhaps the person I would have been if having children wasn’t so hard and so full of loss, if I hadn’t questioned everything in ttc terms for the last 10 years… I know it is fantasy, but I’m wondering if I’m ready to look at her, and that might be painful. And whether it has the potential to just be another type of striving eg professionally. I’m not saying all striving is bad, but I feel it will be hard for me to not do it in this way that feels so close to what you describe, always ‘am I enough’. I guess I worry if reproductive trauma has become a mindset I cannot free myself from.
Oh Annie, this really landed. I think this mode of striving is so powerful and can have such a tight grip, that it is almost impossible to comprehend a life free from it. If I'm honest, I think I initially shifted my striving from one place to another (work) as a way of transitioning away - and ultimately avoiding the full throttle of the feelings. I guess it's a cliche, but it is a process. A journey. And one that takes time, compassion and some support and companionship. I think there is freedom for us all, it's just how we integrate this chapter of our story into whatever outcome there is ❤️
Thank you Michelle. Thoughts of what bridges that transition and that the transition itself is so necessary has got me thinking, and feeling. Thank you for your reply and writing which is certainly one part of that companionship that is needed. Xx
Thank you for your words, I've always found them to be a comfort. I must admit I cried when reading this piece. I guess it's something I've always struggled with, being enough, and now realising that I will never be a mum, it weighs so much heavier. Trying to navigate this unexpected life is harder than I thought, with constant reminders being thrown at me (relatives regaling how nothing matters more than their grandchildren). It's a path I've felt stuck on for a while but I'm trying to find the positives, trying to find myself again and my purpose in life. It's hard to fight those insidious comments, but know that you are enough Michelle. You are definitely enough. ❤️
Yuen, thank you so so much for sharing. This experience is so tender and so misunderstood that it is essential to find a community of people who really understand. They can scaffold you and provide some protection from the comments of others that are so incredibly painful. None of us should battle these things alone - we, you, are worthy of this support ❤️
This is really wonderful Michelle thank you for writing. The complexity of these questions is not always self-evident from the outside looking in, and it can be hard to communicate decision making with regards growing your family when it is about so much more than whether you simply ‘want’ to.
Thank you so much Ellie - I couldn't agree more. It's so easy to look through someone else's window and assume why and how they got to where they are. So many of us are carrying the legacy of the decisions we needed to make, or simply didn't have the choice to ❤️
This resonates deeply. As someone who navigated reproductive trauma and came out the other side of that journey childless, it has been a question I have asked myself a lot. Did I do enough? And can life be enough without children? I am coming to a place of much greater acceptance, but those questions have haunted me at times through this journey
Vicki, thank you so much for sharing this part of your story. The process of acceptance is such a long and complex one isn't it? I've come to believe even more how important community is and how seeing people who reflect your own experiences can be life saving. I also find it so comforting to see people who are further along the path - it probably sounds very cliched, but to me they seem to carry a torch of hope for others ❤️
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece. I’m an only child, raising our only living child. I desperately want my child to have a sibling, and I sometimes wonder if it’s because that’s something I’ve never experienced. Something I was told I’d ‘missed out on’ even though I had the most wonderful childhood and relationship with my parents. It’s conflicting because I know my son isn’t missing out, because I didn’t- but I somehow still feel the need to fill that sibling void.
Oh Sian, thank you so much for sharing this part of your story. It has really got me thinking about how powerful and pervasive these narratives can be, even in the face of information that contradicts it. Yet, I guess we can know something to be true (that only children can be so happy and fulfilled) and also want something else (a sibling for our own child) and that's okay. I think it's about really allowing ourselves to name and grieve these hopes and wishes ❤️
There is so much in this piece that resonates deeply with me Michelle. I'm so grateful to you and Jennie Agg for the way you manage to so beautifully articulate such complex ideas and experiences in a way that is so relatable. You both help me to feel less lost and alone in the quagmire of reproductive trauma. Thank you.
Oh Louise, thank you so much. You are most certainly not alone and I think this is something that really drives Jennie and I in our work - building community and a place to see yourself and your experiences reflected ❤️
This resonates so much as a parent of one child who faced a lot of loss and infertility due to two ectopic pregnancies in our quest for a second child. IVF was the only option, but after all we had been through and as time passed we thought… do we want another child enough at the expense of what could be more terrible trauma, loss, money, and heartbreak and also to miss the years with the child we did have in front of us whilst trying (and possibly not ending up with) another? We felt it in our hearts that our journey with trying for another was over and we were better off embracing what we do have. What made it harder for me was the total lack of representation on social media of happily having one child and how much joy it can bring. One and Done Parenting is a great account to follow to feel less alone. Thanks for this post Michelle ❤️
Nina, thank you so much for sharing - this resonates deeply with me too. Shifting focus from what we want to what we do have is so much harder than it seems though, isn't it? I also follow One and Done and totally agree - seeing representations of the joy of smaller families is essential. To see yourself reflected and to see other people a little further along in their journey is priceless ❤️
Thank you so much for writing for us Michelle. I think this value of enoughness is so hard to tie down but has such an impact. I know it has influenced so much of how I have acted and what I have done in the years spent trying to grow my family. I guess what it makes me wonder, and what you touch on, is how when living in this state of striving has been there for so long, how you change that narrative. That perhaps I don’t have, or have forgotten, another way to be. I also have this sense of this other side of me, perhaps the person I would have been if having children wasn’t so hard and so full of loss, if I hadn’t questioned everything in ttc terms for the last 10 years… I know it is fantasy, but I’m wondering if I’m ready to look at her, and that might be painful. And whether it has the potential to just be another type of striving eg professionally. I’m not saying all striving is bad, but I feel it will be hard for me to not do it in this way that feels so close to what you describe, always ‘am I enough’. I guess I worry if reproductive trauma has become a mindset I cannot free myself from.
Oh Annie, this really landed. I think this mode of striving is so powerful and can have such a tight grip, that it is almost impossible to comprehend a life free from it. If I'm honest, I think I initially shifted my striving from one place to another (work) as a way of transitioning away - and ultimately avoiding the full throttle of the feelings. I guess it's a cliche, but it is a process. A journey. And one that takes time, compassion and some support and companionship. I think there is freedom for us all, it's just how we integrate this chapter of our story into whatever outcome there is ❤️
Thank you Michelle. Thoughts of what bridges that transition and that the transition itself is so necessary has got me thinking, and feeling. Thank you for your reply and writing which is certainly one part of that companionship that is needed. Xx
Thank you for your words, I've always found them to be a comfort. I must admit I cried when reading this piece. I guess it's something I've always struggled with, being enough, and now realising that I will never be a mum, it weighs so much heavier. Trying to navigate this unexpected life is harder than I thought, with constant reminders being thrown at me (relatives regaling how nothing matters more than their grandchildren). It's a path I've felt stuck on for a while but I'm trying to find the positives, trying to find myself again and my purpose in life. It's hard to fight those insidious comments, but know that you are enough Michelle. You are definitely enough. ❤️
Yuen, thank you so so much for sharing. This experience is so tender and so misunderstood that it is essential to find a community of people who really understand. They can scaffold you and provide some protection from the comments of others that are so incredibly painful. None of us should battle these things alone - we, you, are worthy of this support ❤️
This is really wonderful Michelle thank you for writing. The complexity of these questions is not always self-evident from the outside looking in, and it can be hard to communicate decision making with regards growing your family when it is about so much more than whether you simply ‘want’ to.
Thank you so much Ellie - I couldn't agree more. It's so easy to look through someone else's window and assume why and how they got to where they are. So many of us are carrying the legacy of the decisions we needed to make, or simply didn't have the choice to ❤️
This resonates deeply. As someone who navigated reproductive trauma and came out the other side of that journey childless, it has been a question I have asked myself a lot. Did I do enough? And can life be enough without children? I am coming to a place of much greater acceptance, but those questions have haunted me at times through this journey
Vicki, thank you so much for sharing this part of your story. The process of acceptance is such a long and complex one isn't it? I've come to believe even more how important community is and how seeing people who reflect your own experiences can be life saving. I also find it so comforting to see people who are further along the path - it probably sounds very cliched, but to me they seem to carry a torch of hope for others ❤️
Yes, I could not agree more. Finding others in my tribe saved me when I was at the lowest point in my journey
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece. I’m an only child, raising our only living child. I desperately want my child to have a sibling, and I sometimes wonder if it’s because that’s something I’ve never experienced. Something I was told I’d ‘missed out on’ even though I had the most wonderful childhood and relationship with my parents. It’s conflicting because I know my son isn’t missing out, because I didn’t- but I somehow still feel the need to fill that sibling void.
Oh Sian, thank you so much for sharing this part of your story. It has really got me thinking about how powerful and pervasive these narratives can be, even in the face of information that contradicts it. Yet, I guess we can know something to be true (that only children can be so happy and fulfilled) and also want something else (a sibling for our own child) and that's okay. I think it's about really allowing ourselves to name and grieve these hopes and wishes ❤️
There is so much in this piece that resonates deeply with me Michelle. I'm so grateful to you and Jennie Agg for the way you manage to so beautifully articulate such complex ideas and experiences in a way that is so relatable. You both help me to feel less lost and alone in the quagmire of reproductive trauma. Thank you.
Oh Louise, thank you so much. You are most certainly not alone and I think this is something that really drives Jennie and I in our work - building community and a place to see yourself and your experiences reflected ❤️
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Thank you so much for reading Eileen ❤️